I feel it welling up inside and it's going to EXPLODE!

This girl is feeling very down. I am actually feeling extremely tearful, about to burst. My facebook status reads as such, " I feel it welling up inside and it's going to explode." So why so glum, why so down... well truth be told I am feeling just so un-content. Disheartened and in other words a bit STUCK! I have been really trying not to admit to myself that I am feeling a bit overwhelmed with my life but UNDERWHELMED with who I am! I am noticing all my shortcomings, being reminded about everything about my self that I DISLIKE so much. Physically I see myself and I don't like what I see, SPIRITUALLY I see my self and thats just enough to make me stop looking in the MIRROR! The reflection of who I am just doesn't seem to be who I should BE! I feel UGLY inside and out!

I see that little girl inside stuck in this woman's body and I hear her screaming, " WAIT A MINUTE THIS ISN"T SUPPOSE TO BE HOW IT IS! WHAT HAPPENED HERE?" I just can't seem to keep that happy & positive exterior up, I can't HOLD it together all the time and I have to just let it crumble. I listen to those LIES that the devil spins in my head, from time to time. I fall back into that trap. I let my past and my past transgressions pull me down. I forget that I have moved pass all of this, I have been delivered! STOP! Thats what I am telling myself, I tell my self go write it down, go hash it out. Thats why you started this blog right! To get it out and BE HONEST about yourself and to not be afraid or ashamed! HE took that all upon himself for you and he loves YOU!!! Why is it that you keep on allowing yourself to listen to the ENEMY! Why am I SO WEAK?

Well here is why! I have not been keeping my focus on HIM! I have let go of his hand. I have allowed myself to be unprotected. I have not been covering myself with his word. Why can't I just stop caring about what others see? Why do I not care more about what HE sees. He loves me regardless of my FLAWS. My reflection should be HIM, Shinning thru me!

I need you LORD.... I am so heartbroken right now. I feel overwhelmed by the thoughts in my head! I feel like my edge is getting harder and harder to avoid. I need to just FALL and let you catch me! Please LORD forgive me for loosing sight! For allowing the LIES of the ENEMY to BLOCK you out! I am undeserving of all you have given me, but still you have GIVEN me so very much! I know that you see me, that little girl from my past and the woman I am here now. I know that you see ME! You see and YOU LOVE! I am CRYING out to you begging for COMFORT, PEACE, for my heart to be CONTENT. For REVELATION! Wrap me up, hold me close. LORD I need to feel you! This GIRL Feels it welling up and it's gonna EXPLODE! I can't do this alone anymore. What was I thinking. You are HERE to HOLD me the WHOLE way!

I JUST need to feel it! I need you JESUS!

HAVENT WRITTEN IN SO LONG!!!

So I haven't written for a while, so I just wanted to update WHY? The last post I put up was several in the making, and still has so much left to be said. This post is really hard for me to go back to and finish! I want to, but as of right now I can't! Every story has really difficult parts, and this is one part that is really hard for me to deal with. God has been doing some serious CHISELING in my life. I am going through some growing pains that I know are necessary but still difficult. So check back soon and I will be finishing what I started, adding new post and new stories that share HOW AMAZING OUR GOD IS!!!! He loves me, shows me he loves me every day, and he loves you as well!

Does Anybody Hear Her. Casting Crowns

She is running
A hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction
She is trying
But the canyon's ever widening
In the depths of her cold heart
So she sets out on another misadventure just to find
She's another two years older
And she's three more steps behind

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

She is yearning
For shelter and affection
That she never found at home
She is searching
For a hero to ride in
To ride in and save the day
And in walks her prince charming
And he knows just what to say
Momentary lapse of reason
And she gives herself away

Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Can anybody see?

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her

If judgment looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her

If Judgement looms under every steeple
If lofty glances from lofty people
Can't see past her scarlet letter
And we've never even met her

Never even met her
(Never Even Met her)

(OHHHHH)Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me

Does anybody hear her? (Does anybody hear her?) Does anybody see? (Does anybody See?)
Does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple (shadow of her steeple)
With all the lost and lonely people (Lost and Lonely people)
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her? Does anybody see?

He is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction

please click this link and watch!

Casting Crowns - "Does Anybody Hear Her?"

where was my CHAMPION?

This is going to be one of the hardest post I make. I am going to share a part of my story that no one likes for me to talk about! I don't like to talk about it! It is a huge part of my story. I am going to tell you about when I was quite young, I can't remember exactly if I had turned 13 yet but I know I was either right past it or right there. I am going to make this as light as I can, I really do not like to relive this experience. This story is about being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I was at a friends house, my mum knew I was there, but what she did not know was that there was a big party going on. I was not there for the party I was there to help my friend clean up. I showed up several hours after it had started & hung out upstairs in her room waiting for everyone to leave & go home. I only knew a few of the kids, I wasn't really apart of their " Click" but I was there to help after they all had gone home! A few of the kids had come up to the room to talk to me & a few brought me some type of drink up to me. I didn't want to look stupid so I drank them. I think I had no more than 3. Time went by people left & it was around 3 am when we started to clean!

I ended up in this room cleaning & this older guy came in to help. He was a senior from the High School my friend & I went to! I had never really met him, but I knew who he was! ( I am trying to make this as light as possible) I had never really had a guy pay me any attention. I was really suprised that he did. He kissed me, he kissed me again & again. He asked me point blank if I would have sex with him. I said NO! I remember clearly saying NO! I can't remember how it all got to the point that it did, but I remember waking up in the room a few hours later, to my friend yelling at me! My panties were gone, I was sore and I was freaked out. I didn't remember exactly what had happened! I don't know if I blacked out or if it was the alcohol but for a long time there was a gap in my memory, I only remembered fragments. I ran home, to my room & called another friend. I told them that I thought that this guy had had sex with me.

Now let me stop here, I don't want to focus on what happened. These are memories I don't like to remember. Now, I remember more details of that situation than I did after it happened. I know that I was RAPED!

I was a virgin, I was barely 13. I didn't know what to do! Who to tell! I didn't know what had happened, I was in a haze. I was so afraid of anyone ever knowing. I have never felt so dirty or ashamed. I was so angry that I couldn't remember everything exactly as it had happened. I could not pull it out of my mind. It's like my mind had erased it. I don't think I wanted to remember!

My mother found out because she heard me telling my friend that I called on the phone. Let's just say she was not happy with me! ( my mum had only heard bits & pieces, it was not the best way to find out, she thought from what she heard it was consensual!) I don't think my mum knew how to handle this. It was a situation I think she had never thought she would have to deal with. I remember my mum being quite angry with me, very angry. She didn't know what had happened, she only knew her little girl had sex! I don't remember telling her what had happened, I remember crying so hard, I don't remember her holding me, or telling me it was going to be ok. I remember feeling so ALONE!

I do not blame my mum at all for reacting the way she did, I use to be so angry with her because I did feel like no one wanted to do anything about it. I know that my mum handle it the best way she knew how. My dad had left not to long before this happened. it was just my sisters & I with my mum. It was a hard situation!

There were so many other hard things that followed this, my first appointment to the GYNO I guess to see that I was ok, That in it self was terrifying. I remember feeling like an exhibit, like I was on display! Horrible days at school afterwards, seeing this guy, acting like everything was normal, but inside of me I would never be normal again. I had had something stolen from me. I had lost a huge part of me. I felt like an empty shell!

I know now that when this happened, along with the recent separation of my parents, something inside of me BROKE! I think back to when It all seemed to fall apart for me, I always come back to this. For the longest time this was the one thing that i never seemed able to move past. My life after this was filled with choices that I feel were a reaction to feeling so alone after this happened. There was never any action taken, my rape just seemed to be something that happened, that no one talked about. No one wanted to deal with it. By that happening I never dealt with it the way I needed to, I dealt with it by trying to cover up the pain by causing myself more pain!

I became a cutter, I got involved with drugs, (something that became a huge struggle for me) I became involved with older men (when I was 14, my boyfriend was 38) I tried killing my self. I made awful choices! I fell apart! I was so LOST and I did not know where to turn! I was a broken and shattered LITTLE GIRL! I had no champion, I felt like no one really saw me!

When I was raped, I expected some one to be angry. I expected someone to want to come in & save me! I expected something to HAPPEN! I don't know why, but thats not how it was handled. I felt it was brushed under the rug. It was forgotten! I had a really hard time understanding why it never was DEALT with.

I ran away from home not to long after this happened, when I was 15 I went out with guy I had met, I came home an HOUR after I was suppose to. I remember sitting on the street in this guys car, looking in my mums bedroom window. I was so afraid to go home, not because of my mum, but because of me screwing up again. I never did go home, we left! I moved in with this guy, for @ 5 months. I lived with him, I got pregnant!

I called my mom, she told me to come home! This was not the ideal situation to come home with, but there I was. I had recently turned 16, dropped out of high school, and now here I was pregnant! It was a tense living situation, I had nothing to offer a baby. But as time passed I really wanted that baby! I began to think how wonderful it would be to have this baby that I could love and that this baby would LOVE ME!

I lost that baby, I miscarried in my moms bathroom, while my mother sat on the floor and held my hand. I cried so very hard, I felt like I was losing my only chance to be happy again. I can picture in my head, myself, 16 & miscarrying. There is no other pain like loving a baby no matter your age and losing it! A death is a death & I mourned!

There is a so much more to this story, I am going to have to finish it later! I never expected doing this BLOG would be THIS HARD! It is really important to me that I tell this. I know that I have a message I want to get across. I just have to come back and FINISH this post at another date. I need to stop here for right now!

why now???

I want to explain why I have decided to share my story. Why I have decided to dig up all my past and expose myself. There are several reasons. I have been praying about this for quite some time!

I know that there are people out there that have or are going through very similar situations. I am hoping by sharing where I have been & where I am now, will be a testimony to how AMAZINGLY FAITHFUL GOD IS! I have spent a lot of time trying to think of a way that I can minister thru what I have been through! I want to be able to be up front and completely honest about my life. I know that a lot of the stuff that I will be sharing will be very hard for some people to read & hear. I don't choose to write about my life to HURT ANYONE or EXPOSE them. I just want to be able to fully express the situations as I lived them and show that through that God was always there.

At many points in my life I chose not to involve HIM! I had a many years where I tried to drown out what I knew was the TRUTH! I have hurt many people because of my choices, I had made it harder for myself as well! Yet the LORD was always CONSTANT! It has taken me many years, and a lot of pain and sadness to see how very close I became to losing it all. I know now that even though I gave up so many times, HE never gave up on me!

I can't really put into words how very much the LORD has revealed himself to me lately. I guess I made the final decision to share my story this past Sunday. Our pastor said that we needed to stop waiting for someone to tell us where to minister from, and to just DO IT! I heard what he was saying like a massive drum. My heart was so filled with the desire to do what I know the LORD has been putting on my heart for quite some time now! Thus I started this BLOG!

I know it may seem like a weird way to minister, but I feel like by me publicly exposing my story no matter how hard it may be for me to do so, that maybe just one person or maybe more. Might read this and they will be able to relate, & that they can see the message behind it all! The message is, that no matter where you come from, no matter what you have done, no matter how unforgivable you believe you are, there is a GOD! he loves you, he wants to give you PEACE! All you have to do is ask for it!

little girl lost

When I was a little girl, I had a family that was from the outside & the inside, to me picture perfect. I never knew that the lifestyle I lived was not of the NORM! My family was loving and was a powerful example of GODS work. I won't go into the details of what caused that world that I Knew & Loved to crumble. ( I do not want to expose secrets that are not just mine, I don't want to hurt anyone, ) but my family seem to fall apart when my FATHER left.

There were cracks before this but my parents really hid that so well from me. I never saw it coming and to this day I can't even place into my mind anything that might have made me think or know otherwise! I have never really experienced a pain like that again in my life. I was 12 & completely unable to wrap my head around why my father left us! Why my parents were no longer who I saw them as. I now know more yet I still have a hard time fully understanding. I along with my life was shattered. A little girl needs her father. I needed my father. For years I carried so much anger and pain, I felt completely abandoned. When I think back to when my parents were together, I remember how much I saw them as these two people that were untouched by the outside world and the pain you would find there. I was so wrong to think that they were untouchable! Sometimes, the battles of a heart become so extremely hard to fight. The pain of are own addictions can cut so deep it is like severing our selves from what holds us together.

I think that my Father was dealing with so many years of Severance, that he just fell away, because he just decided to stop fighting & just let GO! I can't imagine the PAIN my father has inside of him. I know it is great! I can't fully understand my fathers own BATTLES because they are his own. I choose after many years of trying to, to just love him. Because I just DO. I love my dad, I pray for him often. Losing the father I had as a little girl to this day is one of the GREATEST losses of my life. I miss him terribly, I miss being able to just hug my dad, I miss being able to ask him to borrow a dollar & him GIVING me 10 dollars instead, just because. I miss the father that use to sing with me & to me and my sisters. I miss the father that when he shared Gods word, I felt like time stopped. I saw Christ in my FATHER. I loved to hear him share the WORD.

My father now is a part of my life. More and more each year! I am grateful for my relationship with him, no matter how much I miss the father I had before! I am praying that I will see Christ in him again. I see him not only for who he is now, but still for who he was in my eyes. If I could say anything to him, I would tell him I love him, I forgive him, I know that he is and always will be a great MAN. The Lord loves you daddy. I know that you know that! I won't be afraid to tell you anymore. I know that you need to hear it!

This is a really hard start to my story, but this is where I remember it starting. For a long time, it was before the Severance of my family that was the last time I remember being TRULY HAPPY! I guess every fire has its "MATCH" this was mine. I have so many more parts of this story to share. I am trying to go in order. I will share more soon!