little girl lost

When I was a little girl, I had a family that was from the outside & the inside, to me picture perfect. I never knew that the lifestyle I lived was not of the NORM! My family was loving and was a powerful example of GODS work. I won't go into the details of what caused that world that I Knew & Loved to crumble. ( I do not want to expose secrets that are not just mine, I don't want to hurt anyone, ) but my family seem to fall apart when my FATHER left.

There were cracks before this but my parents really hid that so well from me. I never saw it coming and to this day I can't even place into my mind anything that might have made me think or know otherwise! I have never really experienced a pain like that again in my life. I was 12 & completely unable to wrap my head around why my father left us! Why my parents were no longer who I saw them as. I now know more yet I still have a hard time fully understanding. I along with my life was shattered. A little girl needs her father. I needed my father. For years I carried so much anger and pain, I felt completely abandoned. When I think back to when my parents were together, I remember how much I saw them as these two people that were untouched by the outside world and the pain you would find there. I was so wrong to think that they were untouchable! Sometimes, the battles of a heart become so extremely hard to fight. The pain of are own addictions can cut so deep it is like severing our selves from what holds us together.

I think that my Father was dealing with so many years of Severance, that he just fell away, because he just decided to stop fighting & just let GO! I can't imagine the PAIN my father has inside of him. I know it is great! I can't fully understand my fathers own BATTLES because they are his own. I choose after many years of trying to, to just love him. Because I just DO. I love my dad, I pray for him often. Losing the father I had as a little girl to this day is one of the GREATEST losses of my life. I miss him terribly, I miss being able to just hug my dad, I miss being able to ask him to borrow a dollar & him GIVING me 10 dollars instead, just because. I miss the father that use to sing with me & to me and my sisters. I miss the father that when he shared Gods word, I felt like time stopped. I saw Christ in my FATHER. I loved to hear him share the WORD.

My father now is a part of my life. More and more each year! I am grateful for my relationship with him, no matter how much I miss the father I had before! I am praying that I will see Christ in him again. I see him not only for who he is now, but still for who he was in my eyes. If I could say anything to him, I would tell him I love him, I forgive him, I know that he is and always will be a great MAN. The Lord loves you daddy. I know that you know that! I won't be afraid to tell you anymore. I know that you need to hear it!

This is a really hard start to my story, but this is where I remember it starting. For a long time, it was before the Severance of my family that was the last time I remember being TRULY HAPPY! I guess every fire has its "MATCH" this was mine. I have so many more parts of this story to share. I am trying to go in order. I will share more soon!